youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
