Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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