Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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