Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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