Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
