Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
