but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
