Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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