Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..