i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
