My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
