I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want her autograph on my taint
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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