found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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