the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
