apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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