You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
