Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Damn victory sex feels great
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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