my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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