I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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