I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
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From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought