i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?