Someone shit on the floor
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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