Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
