Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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