I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
