the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
