i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
