I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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