Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
