We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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