I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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