Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
