his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
