remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
