I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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