Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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