Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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