Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I still have a little drunk in my system
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
