filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
