so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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