Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
