Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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