You're a womanizer and a bitch.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
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having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
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There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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