I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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