That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
