It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
