4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
