Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
