I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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