she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
