wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
