Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
