omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize