He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
